Sleepless Nights

Summer vacation was here, and finally I didn’t have restrictions on watching the sun rise and enjoying the morning sun rays on my face. In my bedroom, I had a window outside, and every morning the sun would start to glare on my face; a hint of a new morning filled with promise and excitement. The summer mornings were my favorite because the air was warm but crisp enough to feel the uplift of its gentle touch that surrounded you, invigorating my spirit and awakening my senses. The birds chirped melodically as the day set forward with new beginnings, their songs blending harmoniously with the rustling leaves. I would often take a moment to gaze out the window, watching the world come alive, eagerly anticipating the adventures that awaited me each day. The summer days seemed short because we kids were so focused on having fun, jumping from one activity to another, creating memories that felt timeless and utterly joyous. Whether it was riding our bikes through the neighborhood or playing games in the park, every moment was charged with laughter and carefree abandon.

I remember my mother wanted to get two family pets to add to our family tree, believing that having them would bring us all closer together as a family. I remember my mother got two dachshunds, who instantly filled our home with joy and laughter. I can’t really remember their names; however, I remember one being a girl and one being a boy. I remember oftentimes going past my mom and dad’s rooms, peeking into the room only to see white teeth glowing in the dark as the light reflected. That was the boy dog—overly protective and would lay in the bed and growl softly if anyone approached too closely. His fierce loyalty made him feel like a guardian, always alert and ready to protect us. The female dachshund was a lot nicer and oftentimes would cuddle next to me in the hallway, offering comfort during long nights. I would oftentimes sleep in the hallway because I became scared of the dark, or I would wet the bed, so in efforts to try to find a dry spot, the hallway was the choice. It became a cozy refuge, and their warm presence made my fears feel smaller. The two dogs quickly became not just pets but cherished companions who brought a sense of security and love into our lives.

This particular night I slept in the hallway as usual, and the female dachshund would curl up next to me and sleep, her warm, soft body providing comfort in the dim light. The night was normal, and I was a heavy sleeper, drifting peacefully into dreams. I woke up the next morning finding the dachshund was missing, and to further my worry, I learned she had died, a sinking feeling settling in the pit of my stomach. I went to the basement where she was in a pillowcase, and I remember touching and feeling her stiff body, each moment etching the reality into my heart. I knew there was no life here, and yet again death had visited, a heavy sadness blanketing the vibrant memories we had shared. I also learned the cause of her death was me sleeping heavily and rolling on top of her, an accident that filled me with deep regret and sorrow. I felt responsible, and seeing her in the pillowcase worsened those feelings, a painful reminder of the fragility of life. I love nature and everything that it gives us; how could I show so much betrayal? The bond we had was special, and losing her felt like losing a part of myself, leaving a void that echoed painfully in my heart.

I didn’t mean it….

I didn’t mean it…

I didn’t mean it….

That was the thought swirling in my mind as I grappled with the gravity of what transpired. As a child, I couldn’t fathom how I could commit such an act, even while asleep. The confusion and guilt washed over me like a relentless tide, leaving me stranded on a shore of despair. I started to blame myself, my young heart heavy with an inexplicable weight. It felt as though I were carrying a burden far too great for my fragile shoulders.

In those moments, I found myself questioning the very fabric of my reality. How could something so alarming and troubling have happened without my awareness? I wished more than anything to have been acutely aware of my surroundings. Perhaps if I had been more alert, more in tune with the world around me, I might have sensed something amiss. Maybe I would have stirred awake, pulled from the depths of slumber before things spiraled into this unfortunate situation.

As I struggled to process this traumatic event, my mind raced through a maze of uncertainty and fear. If this could happen while I was unaware, what else lurked in the shadows that I couldn’t see? The unsettling thought gnawed at me: if I was capable of such actions without knowing, who was I really? My young mind was fragile, trying to piece together this complex puzzle without the necessary tools or understanding. Each thought spiraled further into a dark abyss, leaving me anxious and scared, desperate for clarity in a reality that suddenly felt so foreign.

The start of endless, sleepless nights…